Defining Abuse:
One thing that can be confusing is determining what is abuse? Initially, it seems like something that should be straightforward – after all we can imagine in our mind’s eye that there is a woman with a black eye or a broken arm who has been beaten by her husband. We can all agree that is abuse. But where it becomes less clear is when there is arguing and fighting between both individuals – when is it “just an argument” and when does it become abuse?
I say it’s confusing, because sometimes people who are in abusive relationships don’t realize it. They recognize their own behaviors as part of the dynamic and wonder if they, in fact, are actually the abusers? If my spouse yells at me and I yell back and throw something without hitting them, who if anyone was abused?
We can imagine all sorts of tangled scenarios that make it more and more challenging to suss out who is being damaged and who is not, whether the abuse is physical, emotional, sexual, financial etc. But the answer is actually pretty simple at heart – who has the power and control and is the one without in fear of the other? Is there consensus between the two, or is there coercion and/or force? This is one of the reasons why men are typically the abusers in domestic violence, because in most cases they have more power than the woman they are involved with.
It is the power dynamics that are the most important factor when determining whether or not abuse has occurred. The second important aspect is about consent. Are both parties in agreement with the way disputes are being resolved. If both parties are vocal and loud and are comfortable with yelling to resolve conflict, it is not abusive. However, if both parties are not in agreement that yelling is the best way to resolve the problem, then abuse is occurring if the person with more power exerts this over the individual with less. Of course, the communication that the behavior is unwanted is imperative, or the other may not realize they are violating boundaries.
If you are struggling to understand why you are unhappy in your relationship and aren’t certain whether what you are experiencing is “normal” and “all relationships have challenges” but would like help, reach out to a therapist, for individual or couples counseling. They can help you decide what steps you need to take to repair problems, and/or be safe.
